We mistakenly thought there were 2 elephants in the room after transplant: Infection and Rejection.
We’ve identified another one hiding in there with the other 2. I hope there aren’t too many more in there.
The new elephant is despair. Desperation. The feeling of being empty and not enough.
Our Transplant Reality Is Setting In
Over the last week, I’ve broken down in uncontrollable sobbing 5 days out of 7. I’ve felt utterly alone and spent. I am physically unfit and exhausted, I am clearly emotionally exhausted and we are financially tapped out. We have no reserves (i.e. we’ve used all of our savings and retirement savings) except whatever equity is in our house.
I can’t continue like this much longer and until I had this brain wave to tell our story my only 2 other options were to leave Tony to try to save myself or to really hope that the stress we’re under gives me a heart attack or stroke and I just die. It could happen – it happens to caregivers a lot, apparently.
Yesterday, Tony said that he wonders why he bothered with the transplant.
I don’t want us to be on this page – even though we’re on it together.
Tony has no idea what to do to help and the doctor we were seeing yesterday (for Tony) said that:
- We aren’t alone.
- Our plan to move to somewhere where we don’t feel like fish out of water is a good one. We’re currently isolated – I am Tony’s only point of social contact and we are a minimum 20 minute drive from the closest town. We are cashing in our house to move to a city that has little village-like neighbourhoods where we can both more easily connect with other humans.
- Somehow we are magically going to help me not become a caregiver statistic because the system needs me to keep on looking after Tony (! srsly !). At least that’s what I heard. My purpose in this society has become solely that of a caregiver and as long as I keep doing it, the system is only too happy for me to die trying.
The other thing I heard was that I need to delegate and ask for help. So after I sobbed this morning and left the house and drove half and hour to find a coffee shop where I can be alone, I sat down to figure out what we really need.
I am struggling to look after Tony, get him to appointments AND figure out how to get my website rolling AND do the housework AND plan the meals AND cook the meals AND….. We’re sinking fast and I’m just not having success in shifting myself out of caregiver survival mode and into tech-head learning mode.
As I sat down to figure out what kind of help I need, I began to calm down. We don’t need the standard kinds of help – like housekeeping, etc. While it would be great to have someone come over and clean Tony’s bathroom and get all of the house clean and tidy at one time, when I regain perspective I can only think of one thing we need.
We need money. Fast.
And not donations or fundraisers. I need help getting back up on my feet.
So here’s the help I’d like to ask for. It seems kind of easy now.
- I have struggled to get my TheCareerTutor.com site up and running so I can get back to my purpose of helping students and recent grads graduate with some ideas about their direction and work prospects. Getting me back to doing what I need to be doing will go a long way to sorting out the physical and emotional bits – and it will give me the flexibility to get Tony to his appointments. The website is so close to launch I don’t think it’s even funny. Here’s what I have done:
- I have 9 modules of lessons online and ready to go. I’m a former teacher, so this bit’s easy.
- I have scoped out the content for a 6-week online course with 4 1-hour coaching bits and 2 Q & A sessions – along with online support via a Facebook group.
- I am struggling with the marketing bits – specifically getting the tech part up and running.
- I am currently a member of DigitalMarketer.com and have been trying to follow their method for marketing – but I’m a slow learner when my brain is in panic mode.
We don’t have cash until the program launch starts – so I’m looking for someone with knowledge of digital marketing who can help wherein payment can happen as we get students and recent grads signed on.
I think that is all. Thank you for reading and listening. I’m feeling much better now. If you know anyone who is familiar with the DigitalMarketer.com methods, please have them look this over. You can identify them by their secret DM sticker – probably stuck to their laptop.
I help small businesses and organizations with HR Training and Policy/Procedure work.
Latest posts by Beth Campbell Duke (see all)
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